


can you hear my heart breaking tonight?

by wishingswell



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Touch-Starved, alternatively titled: younghyun needs a hug, idolverse, kyh's love language is physical touch, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23245894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishingswell/pseuds/wishingswell
Summary: if you'd asked 17 year old younghyun, he would have told you that this would never be a problem. 23 year old younghyun isn't quite so sure.or, younghyun's in love with his best friend and that makes touching him so much scarier.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 7
Kudos: 214
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option





	can you hear my heart breaking tonight?

**Author's Note:**

> written for the bleak boyband bingo challenge! you can view my card [here](https://twitter.com/bribeombot/status/1244681220501516289) if you're interested~ 
> 
> the prompts included are: "intricate rituals to touch the skin of other men", "no wait come back please smother me", "bedsharing as self harm", and "struggling to describe group intimacy to outsiders", with an honorable mention for "clashing love languages" as a major inspiration
> 
> title and italicized lyrics are from mitski's pink in the night, and this fic was beta'd by rosa and yana (my eternal loves <3)

_“i glow pink in the night in my room_

_i’ve been blossoming alone over you”_

younghyun doesn’t sleep these days. it’s voluntary, in a way—he doesn’t suffer from insomnia, just from an insane workload that he’s put on himself between song writing, training, and business classes. in order to pull his weight in the group, he spends most days at the studio or in the practice room, sometimes running for the subway to try and make a class or two, and then always heading back to the company building before he goes home. band stuff takes priority during daytime hours, which means that his school work is left for whatever time happens to be left over, usually late night into the early morning. he gets a few hours of sleep and then its time to get up and do it all again; rinse, repeat. 

anyway. that’s why he’s awake now. hunched over his laptop in his bed. dowoon’s snoring away above him, and jae’s constantly messing with his blankets despite being knocked out—he’s always been an active sleeper. it’s when the sound stops that younghyun looks up.

jae’s facing younghyun’s bed now, cheek smushed against his pillow and mouth slightly open. his breathing is deep and steady—younghyun is shocked he can hear it over the sound of dowoon snoring but, well. maybe his ears are as biased as the rest of him. 

there’s not enough light to see clearly, just the blue glow from younghyun’s laptop screen and orange streams coming in from the slats in their blinds, but it’s just enough to see the outline of jae’s shoulders, how his arm is curled protectively against his chest and his brow is furrowed. younghyun can’t help but wonder if he’s having a bad dream. 

he shakes his head like the motion will do something to clear his thoughts. even if jae was, it’s not younghyun’s job to fix it. he turns back to his laptop, but immediately knows it’ll be impossible for him to focus from here on out. younghyun blows out a quiet breath, closing his laptop and sliding it beneath his bed before pulling his blanket up to his chin. he wants to turn on his side, to face where he knows jae will be facing back at him, but he can’t—it feels wrong. he steels himself to staring at the slats of dowoon’s bed above him, mulling over why he’s in love with his best friend until he’s too tired to think anymore.

younghyun pulls the stuffed fish hat off of his head, ignoring the disappointed sounds he can hear from the audience amongst the click of camera shutters and the chatting of fans with the other members. he reaches up to fuss with his hair before realizing that he can’t see anything and there are about a million cameras here—better to outsource this. 

“will you fix my hair?” younghyun asks, turning to jae on his left. jae makes a face, sending a pang of discomfort through younghyun’s chest, but he reaches out anyway. his fingers never go too far, just plucking at bits and pieces of younghyun’s bangs until they fall over younghyun’s forehead. jae pulls back, rubbing his fingertips together as if to clean them, and younghyun tries to keep his face from falling. 

“thanks,” he says, and then they’re turning to pose for the cameras, jae leaning in to rest his elbow on younghyun’s shoulder as younghyun makes a stupid face. 

this is usually the best that younghyun can get. 

radio shows are always fun. this one was especially so; they played a game to test their knowledge of each other and younghyun can’t help the smug feeling he gets after answering jae’s questions correctly, the pride after jae pulls him close by his hands in what he knows to be a typical bro move but feels something like affection anyway. he glows under the spotlight of jae’s attention—it’s always been that way. 

jae, however, does not fare as well, and has to complete a punishment for the enjoyment of the fans. they’re all used to these things by now, but this punishment seems like it was chosen specifically to torture jae: backhugs and whispered “i love you”s. 

younghyun gets placed at the end of the line, which he doesn’t know how to feel about. he tenses as he hears jae start with dowoon, trying not to let it show on his face. wonpil whispers something back that makes jae laugh, and sungjin grunts in discomfort (as expected). then it’s younghyun’s turn. jae is warm and solid against his back, and his arms wrap around younghyun’s chest a second before he clamps his thighs around younghyun’s, depositing his weight on younghyun’s back. younghyun cries out but he’s grinning, grabbing jae’s thighs to lift him up higher as jae delivers the whispered “i love you”. 

younghyun answers “i love you too,” pulling jae in closer by his sleeve, and jae repeats the message again in english. younghyun’s heart soars. 

“let’s go,” jae says, switching back to korean as he points out the door. younghyun obliges him, because how could he not? jae clings as younghyun carries him out, and it’s only when they’re past the door frame and out of the camera’s eye that he lets go. the air is so much colder than younghyun remembers it being without jae’s weight on his back, but he smiles anyway. 

jae gives an exaggerated shudder, eliciting laughs from the others. “glad that’s over,” he says, and dowoon and sungjin seem to agree vehemently. wonpil makes a joke about jae’s repressed emotions, and younghyun is left feeling like he’s taken advantage of something. 

somewhere out in the universe, there must be a handbook that says all boy band members must have multiple photoshoots where they’re laying on top of each other. 

the first one was weird and uncomfortable, but all five of them are just used to it now; even sungjin doesn’t complain as the photographer tells them how to pose. this time, younghyun’s head is on jae’s stomach, and he can feel it rise and fall beneath him with jae’s breathing, the sporadic rumbles when he talks or laughs. 

younghyun’s hands both start off on his stomach, but he’s quickly instructed to lift his right hand to his head in a pose that’s pensive and artful. problem being, his right hand and wrist are now directly positioned over jae’s crotch.

younghyun feels embarrassment creep up the back of his neck and he tries to hold up his arm to prevent dropping the weight of it onto jae, but the position is awkward and he struggles. jae notices. 

“it’s fine,” he says, just barely shifting under younghyun’s head. “just set your hand down.”

younghyun presses his lips together but he does, albeit slower than is maybe necessary. jae’s warm under his hand, and younghyun has to try very hard to not think about the bulge of jae’s zipper against the skin of his wrist.

it’s a stressful shoot, to say the least.

when the photographer finally gives them permission to break, younghyun is up faster than he would have thought possible, immediately moving towards wonpil to look for some reprieve from the tight feeling in his chest. 

younghyun can’t keep doing this, but really it’s his fault. it’s always his fault for taking on too much, for burdening his teammates with his tired eyes that solicit their pity. if he hides, at least he makes it easier on them. if he hides, at least he’s trying.

it’s the hardest to hide from jae. dowoon has since moved into their manager’s old room since he moved out, with the other two pairs electing to stay together in their current rooms. jae technically had first dibs on the empty room purely because of age hierarchy, but had passed on it without much thought, claiming he’d rather keep their en suite bathroom and not have to move all of his things down the hall. 

(younghyun wishes, oh how he wishes, that it was because jae wanted to stay close to him.)

regardless of the reason, younghyun still sleeps in his bed a few feet away from jae every night while the upper bunk sits empty; the situation makes avoiding jae near impossible.

not that younghyun doesn’t try. he figured out early on that if he does his school work anywhere but the dorm, he can do a decent job of keeping the others in the dark about his workload. he always pulls his weight during song writing, recording, and practice, and then ducks off to some secluded vocal practice room where he can hunch over his laptop for hours on end without worrying about the hushed whispers of his teammates behind closed doors. they’re not always as subtle as they think they are.

tonight, though. they’re preparing for their november comeback next week but this week is midterms, meaning that younghyun is up to his eyes in papers, textbooks, and notebooks alike. it’s hard to keep things separate, now, so his lyrics bleed onto pages and pages of accounting and finance notes until he can’t discern which is which at first glance. 

younghyun should sleep—before coming home, he spent four hours in the company building trying to catch up for his midterm tomorrow. he should sleep, but he can’t, which means he’s got notebooks spread out around him like a disaster zone, trying desperately to copy everything his professor has said down once again in the hope that it’ll stick this time. 

jae’s in the en suite getting ready for bed; younghyun can hear the rush of the tap and the familiar buzz of jae’s electric toothbrush. when he’s done, younghyun hears the click of the light switch and then soft footsteps that come to stand behind him.

“bri bri,” jae says, and the name makes something in younghyun go soft. “brian. go to bed, man.” 

“can’t,” younghyun answers simply. “will the lamp bother you? i can go to the kitchen.”

“brian,” jae repeats again, like that’ll change anything. “you need to sleep.” his hands come to rest on either of brian’s shoulders, probably meant as a comfort, but brian freezes under the warm, unfamiliar weight. it’s been days since anyone touched him, maybe longer—he’s been hiding for so long it’s hard to remember what it feels like.

jae’s hands ignite a fire under his skin, an itching, burning sensation that quickly makes it’s way up younghyun’s spine and to his head. he needs to leave, he needs to get out, he can’t stay here.

“please don’t,” he says hoarsely, pushing his chair back without warning. jae rips his hands away like he’s been burned, though younghyun can still feel jae’s presence behind him as he quickly gathers everything he needs. 

“sorry,” jae apologizes, and then the air grows cold as he steps backwards towards his bed, leaving younghyun a clear route to escape. younghyun is no stranger to backing down, but usually he prefers to think of it as a tactical retreat— running away with a purpose. this is not that. this is running out of fear. this is running away just for the sake of running. 

he’s not proud of himself by any means, but he flees without another word.

the kitchen is quiet, a good space for him to get work done now that everyone has gone to bed. or seemingly everyone.

maybe 20 minutes after his escape, he hears familiar footsteps on the wood floor behind him. he doesn’t have to ask who it is.

“sorry,” he says without turning. “you’re just trying to look out for me, i— i appreciate it.”

“thanks,” jae says quietly. “sorry i pushed.”

“it’s okay,” younghyun answers easily, because it is. He could never hold that against jae. 

“will you come to sleep soon?” jae asks, and if younghyun didn’t know better he’d say jae sounded hopeful.

“i’ll come now,” younghyun says, surprising even himself.

when younghyun starts to gather his things again, jae comes to help, his presence now a welcome warmth at younghyun’s side. that itchy feeling from before has disappeared, leaving younghyun longing for the brush of jae’s hand or the weight of his palms on younghyun’s shoulders once more. 

jae passes the stack of papers to younghyun, his gaze lingers momentarily on their hands, and younghyun has to bite his lip to keep from saying anything.

 _touch me_ , he feels like screaming. _touch me touch me touch me touch me. touch me and never stop._

but he says nothing, just follows jae into their room for another night of sleeping next to each other but feeling so, so far apart. 

promotions are over, for now, and younghyun doesn’t know what to do with himself now that he finally has a chance to breathe. he thinks the others are out, seeing their friends and families on their short break, but all he can do is sit in their living room and stare at the tv until he doesn’t have to think anymore. 

there’s one thing he needs, more than anything, and the one person he wants it from isn’t prepared to give it to him; the busier he is, the easier it is for younghyun to forget, but now? now they’re all home, all day, and it’s impossible to not want to reach out, to tug on jae’s sleeve, to wrap his arms around jae’s shoulders, to ask to be held. it’s impossible. 

wonpil approaches wordlessly, settling into the couch next to younghyun with his head on younghyun’s shoulder and his feet tucked up underneath him. “you look like you need it,” he says, and younghyun does. he really, really does.

wonpil gets him like the other members don’t. younghyun knows he also feels the craving for closeness, for warmth, for the feeling of someone else’s skin touching yours. the others don’t understand or think it’s weird and gross but wonpil gets it, and right now that’s what younghyun needs. 

there’s another thing wonpil understands that the others don’t. they don’t talk about it, but younghyun has seen the way wonpil looks at sungjin, has looked at sungjin since trainee days. there’s a reason wonpil was the one chosen to share a room with sungjin; he’s the most receptive, the most understanding to their leader’s neuroticisms. younghyun isn’t stupid enough to think that there’s no conscious choice in there somewhere. 

they don’t talk about it, but younghyun is aware that wonpil knows. 

“you wanna talk?” wonpil asks, pulling younghyun out of his own head for a change.

younghyun hums. “it’s nothing you haven’t heard before. just the usual.”

“lay it on me anyway,” wonpil answers.

“how did we end up in a group with three people who just—” younghyun cuts himself off with a noise of frustration, and wonpil hums in acknowledgement.

“i know,” he says, “i didn’t even realize there were people like that until i met sungjin hyung.”

“right,” younghyun commiserates. “and then—i don’t know. people who watch us on broadcasts, even my friends, think that we aren’t close because we can’t touch each other comfortably. i don’t know how to explain that it’s not that we aren’t close, they just don’t like to show it like that, but i always end up second guessing and thinking myself in a circle.”

“they show that they care in other ways, hyung,” wonpil says softly, and younghyun’s racing thoughts pause for a moment. “think about all the times dowoon breaks an awkward mood, or when jae hyung asks if he can eat with you, or when sungjin hyung plans a whole vacation for us. they care, they just show it differently.”

“that’s true,” younghyun admits quietly. 

wonpil hums before continuing. “i know jaehyungie-hyung is different for you. i get it. but you have to give him a chance to show that he cares about you the way that he can, not necessarily the way you want him to.”

“why do you know answers to questions that i don’t even ask?” younghyun groans, but he wraps an arm around wonpil’s shoulders and squeezes him tight in gratitude.

“glad to help, hyung.” wonpil smiles, as diplomatic as ever. 

they don’t talk much, after that. both of them are content to sit in each other’s warmth, to just indulge in it for a minute before they have to go back to their lives. 

touring is the best part about their job, but it’s also the most exhausting. there’s something incredible about being paid to travel the world and perform their songs to crowds of people that adore them, but at the end younghyun’s always left feeling more burnt out than he ever has before. of course, that’s only until the next tour comes around. 

at least this time, they don’t have to share hotel rooms. in the past they always have, but apparently the company deems them worthy of a budget increase, so younghyun has a whole room and a queen bed all to himself. it’s a welcome relief after the nights they spend in the cramped bunks on the bus, so he intends to take advantage of it while he can. 

fresh out of the shower, younghyun lays back in his bed in nothing but boxers and a towel draped around his shoulder as he flicks through the channels on the hotel tv in search of something decent to watch until he falls asleep. he’s starting to not even pay attention to the images flashing past the screen when his phone buzzes from the nightstand; dropping the remote on the duvet next to him, he goes to pick it up immediately. predictably, it’s jae.

_i’m bored_

younghyun rolls his eyes. 

_go to sleep then_

_don’t wanna_

_watch a movie with me?_

_there’s nothing good on_

_netflix, dude. i’ll bring my laptop. see u in a few_

_do u even know my room number?_

as the universe would have it, jae does. he knocks on younghyun’s door just a few minutes later, laptop open in his hands and hoodie pulled up to hide his face. younghyun had bothered to put on a shirt but not pants, although he regrets that decision as soon as he sees jae’s eyes flit down to his bare legs. 

jae doesn’t say anything though, just brushes past younghyun and flops down on the bed, kicking off his slippers and laying the laptop across his stomach.

“what do you feel like watching?” he asks, and younghyun shrugs. 

“i don’t care. whatever you want, i guess.”

jae narrows his eyes at younghyun over the top of his laptop screen. “come over here and help me pick something,” he demands. “this is a partnered activity, younghyun”

somewhat reluctantly, younghyun settles in next to jae, pulling the duvet over his legs while jae remains on top (just to keep another barrier between them). 

“we’re not watching any of your avengers bullshit,” jae warns, and younghyun snorts.

“as if i would even try after the last time. you fell asleep twenty minutes in and we had to pay for that movie!”

jae sniffs. “i was going to owe you anyway, whether i slept or not. might as well get a nap out of it.”

younghyun rolls his eyes, but he can’t help the amused smile that graces his face. jae sees it too, and takes pride in it. “anyway, what are we watching?”

“i told you—” younghyun starts, but jae cuts him off.

“not again. just throw out a genre younghyun, give me something.”

“romance,” younghyun says on impulse, out of spite, but jae takes it in stride.

“romance it is,” he replies, clicking around until he’s scrolling through all the romance that netflix has to offer. 

nothing in particular catches younghyun’s eye so when jae suggests _p.s. i love you_ , he has no objections. 

at first, jae offers little comments, like how much he likes the male lead’s accent or how they don’t seem to be a very good couple, but as he gets pulled into the story they taper off into rapt attention.

younghyun makes a valiant effort to keep his eyes focused on the laptop screen, but every so often he feels his eyes drawn to jae, his mind overtaken with concern for jae’s reaction to anything that happens on screen. 

soon enough, though, jae’s wide eyes start to droop, and younghyun can’t bring himself to say anything as he watches jae fall asleep. his face relaxes and his head drops onto the pillow, hoodie scrunching up around his neck, but younghyun can’t bear to wake him up. and so, he finds himself closing the laptop and setting it on the nightstand, tugging the duvet out from where it’s bunched under jae’s legs and pulling it over him instead. 

younghyun stands, grabbing the other pillow from his side of the bed. it would be easy to sleep on the small couch tucked into the corner— he’s slept in smaller places. then, he wouldn’t worry about getting too close, about being in jae’s space when they wake up, about making things weird.

it would be too easy.

there’s something wrong with him, younghyun thinks. there must be something wrong with him because he puts the pillow back, pulls back the duvet again, and climbs into his own bed. there must be something wrong with him because as he lays there, curled up on his side and facing jae in profile, that familiar painful tug settles somewhere deep in his chest. and younghyun? younghyun doesn’t hate it. 

the most surprising thing to younghyun is that when he wakes, jae is still there. they’ve moved during the night, jae’s head halfway between his pillow and younghyun’s, facing younghyun with an open expression on his still sleeping face. one arm is tucked in close to his body but the other stretches out, palm splayed across younghyun’s arm and fingertips cool against younghyun’s skin.

younghyun can barely bring himself to breathe, much less move. he’s just woken up but he already feels electric, like there’s a current running under his skin all the way to his spine. the source? jae’s fingers on his skin.

he almost laughs at himself. even after all this time, this is still it. this is the heart of the matter. if jae were awake, he wouldn’t be doing this, and that makes it wrong for younghyun to indulge in it while he’s conscious but jae isn’t. 

steeling himself, younghyun pulls his arm away, rolling over so he’s facing out of the hotel window instead of into jae’s sleeping face. his chest aches, but it dulls eventually. above all, now he can at least try to convince himself that he’s doing the right thing. 

he’s closing his eyes, trying to force himself back to sleep, when he hears a muffled sound behind him and then a tugging on the sheets. fuck.

“brian?’ jae asks in a quiet, slurred voice. “you ‘wake?”

it would be so easy to not say anything. younghyun could close his eyes and even out his breathing and fake sleep as long as it takes for jae to go back to his room. it would be easy.

but it wouldn’t be right.

“yeah,” younghyun mumbles, half muffled by his pillow. “i’m up.”

“you sleep okay?” fuck, this is turning into an actual conversation. younghyun can’t be an asshole, so he rolls over onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes. jae will think it’s to block the morning sunlight streaming in through the windows, but really, it’s just a way for younghyun to avoid his problems as usual.

“yeah,” he repeats. “slept fine. you?”

“me too,” jae answers. there’s a few beats of silence, and then, “brian?”

this time he just hums in answer, waiting for jae to continue. when he does, younghyun freezes.

“why won’t you look at me?”

“that’s—” he starts, ready to say that’s not it, but really, he’s given himself away already. no point in keeping it up. “sorry,” he mumbles instead, letting his arm drop and turning his head. jae’s still curled up on his side, eyes narrowing as they meet younghyun’s. 

“what’s wrong?” jae asks, and then he’s sitting up against the headboard, sheets pooling in his lap, and younghyun has to get up. he rolls away from jae until he’s standing, running a hand through his hair and fixing the duvet to give his nervous hands something to do.

“nothing,” he says, trying to keep his tone light. it falls flat to his ears, and probably jae’s too. “i’m gonna get ready,” he adds, moving towards the bathroom before jae’s voice stops him.

“are you mad i slept over?” he asks, and when younghyun looks to him his eyebrows are raised expectantly.

“no,” younghyun answers, and something in him twists when he realizes that it’s not a lie. “no, i’m not. it’s fine” 

“then why are you being so weird?” jae asks, still pressing, pushing on every crack in younghyun’s armor. he’s always been good at finding them, even without trying. 

“just,” younghyun waves his hand vaguely, a thousand different answers running through his head before he settles on, “didn’t expect you to still be here. that’s all.”

jae’s voice is incredibly soft when he asks, “why not?”

younghyun doesn’t really know how to answer that question. maybe it’s because he’s used to jae’s fleeting affection, used to just getting bits and pieces and fitting them together into something that satisfies him. maybe it’s because he just can’t fathom jae wanting to stay with him. 

“i—” he starts, but there’s no way to finish, so he just closes his mouth again. 

“look,” jae starts, and younghyun braces himself. “i don’t really know how to say this either, but. i talked to wonpil and i’ve been trying to give you what you need.”

younghyun bristles at the mention of wonpil. “you talked to wonpil?” he repeats carefully, and jae nods.

“he explained some stuff to me, so i’ve been trying to be better at, you know. showing you i care.” jae’s expression is so open and earnest that younghyun really doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

“why would you need to show me?” younghyun asks, and the words come out of his mouth harsher than he expects.

jae’s voice is quiet, and he’s not really making eye contact any more. “i thought you’d want to know. i thought maybe you—maybe you might care about me like that too.”

“like what?” younghyun presses, and jae drags a hand down his face in frustration. before he answers, he moves until he’s sitting on the edge of the bed facing younghyun, and then stands to his full height in front of him. younghyun’s never felt quite so small under jae’s gaze before.

“what do you mean ‘like what’ younghyun, what the hell do you think i mean? you’re different for me come on, you have to know that.” the frustration is evident in jae’s tone, and younghyun’s head is spinning.

“you never said anything!” he protests, voice raising to nearly a shout before he remembers they’re in a hotel room. “how was i supposed to know anything if you never said?” 

“i didn’t know how to!” jae answers. “how was i supposed to tell you ‘hey, hope you don’t think this is weird but i’ve been kind of in love with you since we were trainees, wanna make out’?”

“like that!” younghyun hisses, and then his hands are fisted in jae’s tee shirt and he’s pulling him close, closer, closer until their lips bump and teeth clash. it’s messy and harsh and not at all what younghyun would have imagined, but it’s them and it’s _good._

jae pulls back first, already looking like he’s struggling for air. “wait,” he says, and younghyun wants to roll his eyes. “just to be clear. you’re into me too, right?”

younghyun can’t hold back the eye roll, but manages a sigh of “duh” before he’s pulling jae back in again. this time, jae doesn’t seem to have anything left to say. 

_“and i know i’ve kissed you before but_

_i didn’t do it right._

_can i try again?”_

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bribeombot) (i accept follow requests!!)


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